Guys unwrapped

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Augustus Gloop, kettle mag
Image: Youtube
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The realisation that 2 things so different could actually be so closely related to one another occurred to us in our first year at uni. Living in a flat of 11 girls bought dramas of many sorts, from inevitable boy problems to stolen pasta bake, each, of course, as over dramatised as humanly possible. 

I remember the day of the discovery. It was in the new year and Mum had sent me back with a tub of Celebrations (most probably a strategic move to ensure I could buy some more friends – I’d ran out of the brownies she kept sending in the post, and my friends were becoming distant). 

I removed the lid to offer my condolences to a friend who was having boy troubles. As we sat staring into the tub discussing the boy in question, I had a thought. The chocolates in front of us each represented a type of guy.

Two years on and just in time for Christmas, we’ve decided to share the personalities behind the wrappers.

A Milkyway

Just like the chocolate, a milkyway man is always there. Likely to be the guy in your life that’s been around for a while. Not really sure what the point of your relationship is, it’s not a relationship as such, but it’s more than friends. A milkyway man is generally non-committal, but unless you’re having a down day, you’re okay with that. It’s a 2-way street with a milkyway man, you’re just as unsure as him as to whether he’s what you really want. This is the same as when you reach into the celebrations tub- very rarely do you go hunting for a milkyway. You sort of just come across them. A milkyway isn’t unpleasant, and it’s always quite enjoyable, just nothing you’d go looking for, and not all that satisfying. 

Mars

Following on from the milkyway, is the mars. Ironically, like the milkyway, the mars isn’t out of this world. A mars man isn’t dissimilar to a milkyway. In fact, if you know two guys that hang around together, and one of them fits the description of the milkyway man, and the other one is a bit annoying, chances are they’re a milkyway man and a mars man. The mars is usually pretty abundant in the tub, and though it used to be a big name in the chocolate world, it’s been pushed aside by better alternatives. The Mars man is probably someone who used to be cooler than he is now. The Mars man feels the need to take things a bit too far, and finds himself hilarious. Generally, the Mars man is fun, he’s just someone you don’t want to spend more than an hour with. 

Malteser

In contrast with the Mars and Milkyway, the Malteser is a sought-after chocolate in the box. The Malteser man isn’t any different. The Malteser man is a popular guy, both with other guys and girls. Just like the lighter way to enjoy chocolate, the Malteser man is light hearted, easy going and has a cheeky side to him. The Malteser man is inevitably, and unfortunately, probably taken or not one to be tied down.

Galaxy 

The galaxy guy is a guy that you know your parents would approve of. He’s most probably tall, dark and handsome. He’s always on time and presentable, and enjoys wearing loafers or deck shoes on nights out. A galaxy chocolate is a solid choice. You can’t really go wrong. You know what you’re getting, and generally you’re not disappointed. The galaxy chocolate is usually snapped up quite quickly, and that’s not dissimilar to the guy - probably because he’s got marriage material written all over him.

Galaxy caramel 

The galaxy caramel, has some qualities of a galaxy. The same chocolate surrounding it, difference is, the galaxy caramel isn’t as solid as the galaxy. The galaxy caramel man isn’t quite as reliable as the galaxy (less likely to be on time). Perhaps the Galaxy caramel guy is the rogue brother of the galaxy guy. No less popular with the girls, and usually good looking, though this guy isn’t so much marriage material. He’s a smooth operator, and more often than not, a mummy’s boy.

Snickers

Snickers are full on and nutty, one of the more debated chocolates in the tub. Like a snickers chocolate, a snickers man isn’t to everyone’s taste – not a universal all-rounder, but can be very fun. Nuts are a common allergy, and a little like the chocolate, a Snickers man can be a dangerous choice. They’re often unpredictable, and you don’t always know what they’re planning on next, but if you’re into that kind of thing, they might just be your guy. 

Bounty 

The Bounty chocolate divides opinions, and this isn’t dissimilar to the Bounty boy. The bounty boy usually has a creative aspect to them, music or art. They aren’t afraid of being different, but most likely hang around with other bounty boys. The bounty boy is usually a random guy that one person fancies and no one else understands why. There’s something about them that some people love, and some people just don’t get. The bounty boy usually has a particular, likeable sense of humour.

The Twix

The Twix chocolate is better known for being one of two in a pack. The Twix guy gives off those vibes also. He’s a great guy, but there’s something missing, not quite enough. Whether this be that he’s extremely good looking, but then his personality doesn’t quite match up, or whether this be that he’s the funniest guy ever but you just don’t find him attractive, the Twix has something missing. It might be that the Twix has the whole package, but always leaves you wanting more – the Twix guy is a good guy, but a tricky guy to suss. 

Since establishing this phenomenon (which we all think personally has the potential to replace star signs), we proceeded to match every guy that we came across with a Celebration. Occasionally we would let them tell us what they thought they were, and then correct them, because it was fun. It’s a great conversation starter, and it’s even been used in one instance as an explanation for a breakup. More thought may go into selecting your Celebrations this Christmas…

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